........... Can The Net Come "True"?............

Well, we've given it a few months.... enough for the "honeymoon" to be over and "reality" to take over.  Life with its day to day routines:   housekeeping, bill paying, work, etc...  

Some of you know how filled with fear & trepidation I was before my "fella" arrived in Texas.  We all hear the horror stories, the sad tales, the "it didn't work out" tales.  Perhaps our insight might be of value to some of you that are uncertain about this thing that the "web" does to us.

First of all, I'm writing this "alone" at the moment, but it will be a collaborative effort before it is complete, because that is how WE deal with OUR life now. 

Looking back at the decisions we've made since the end of July when he first mentioned moving to Texas for us to have a life together, life has been interesting.  We found ourselves considering choices, options, making decisions that neither of us would have previously given a moment of thought.  Where those choices "right"???........ For US - - - - ABSOLUTELY!!!  

Let's pause to consider some of the decisions we made:  
1.  We did NOT meet in person prior to his relocation.   
2.  We agreed to commit to a "permanent" relationship.
3.  We agreed that we were mature enough to discuss issues as they arose rather than allow them to destroy our respect for one another.
4.  We agreed NOT to take our differences to the bedroom.
5.  We agreed NOT to be abusive to one another by using ridicule or demeaning behavior (i.e. screaming).

ALL of those decisions were so frightening at the time, but now don't seem so difficult at all.

WHY were we willing to agree to a permanent relationship without meeting in person?
Perhaps of all of the questions that come this way, that is the one that we hear the most.
When I broke the news to my favorite aunt, she laughed and reminded me that perhaps society has come full circle -- we didn't invent it -- it was commonplace during WW II for women to marry men that "came back from the war" that they hadn't known previously.  It's just that the mode of meeting for us was not "snail mail" -- it was the "NET".  Did we know each other?  YOU BET!!   He knew me better than either my late husband or my "ex".  He knows my heart, my unique nuances that make me the individual that I am.   We had talked on the phone for hours on end, had seen each other on "cam", and listened with our hearts when we talked in voice on messenger, msn, or aim.  There was no question in my mind that we belonged together, but I will admit to some degree of nervousness and "what-if-itis".    The strength of what is on the inside can overcome the "chemistry" arguments every time -- IF you are strong enough as a person to keep looking at what attracted you to each other in the first place.   (BTW - he reminds me OFTEN of what attracted him to me in the first place.)


WHERE do people meet??  Which is worse - internet romance or office romance??
How often do we hear of people leaving their job because of a romance turned sour??
Is it better to meet at the local pub or bar??  (Shucks, many of us don't even frequent
bars anymore.) 

Our lives are all different now because of the WEB.   We meet and form close relationships with others that are often half a world away.    Who better for us to be with in "REAL" than the person that we communicate with from the depths of our being?  Even before we made a commitment to each other to be a "couple", he was my best friend, and we were committed to being BEST FRIENDS for life.   When we weren't together, it was like something was missing.   (You have to realize that I was the ultimate hold out for "net romance".)  Yes, we still "chat" with close friends, but our world doesn't revolve around chat.  

We've been together now in "REAL" for over 2 months.   Our lives are very different now.   We are living & growing together.  Like any relationship, it is a growing process, and it takes work and effort to focus on what is good for you as a couple as well as individuals.


What advice do we have to others who meet on the "NET"???

Know yourself and be comfortable with who you are as a person.  Attempt in all things to be objective as a person with your own faults & strengths, and be willing to accept the strengths and weaknesses of the person that you are contemplating being with.  

Be realistic with your expectations:  we aren't looking thru  rose-colored glasses here - we are talking REAL life!!  Be sure you know each other as PEOPLE and that you LIKE each other for those qualities!!

Until commitments are made to each other, keep your relationship PRIVATE between the two of you......... and I can't stress this enough!!!  No matter how "happy" some might profess to be for you, there are some who (with all good intentions) will plant seeds of doubt inadvertently, so that the slightest thing becomes a potential threat to your relationship.  Between the TWO OF YOU, look at the "long term" commitment, not small problems that might arise:  think "40 years".

No matter what is said, always look to your partner before you jump to conclusions --- COMMUNICATE with each other and form a pact of TRUST.   

None of this is that different from meeting someone in "real" -- at a church social, even.
If it was that different from real life, the phone book wouldn't be so full of divorce lawyers.

This is OUR TIME!!.... Reality has given us an extra modality for meeting the person that can make us feel complete.  The keys are no different than in our "real" existence as we have seen it in the past -- the NET has expanded our horizons.    If you are "too eager" in "real", you're gonna be "too eager" on the net -- those things communicate themselves exactly the same in our presentation of ourselves.    

May you all find happiness in this new year.

by
~Tink Boncler~
January 2, 2002