Sooner or later it happens to all of us. This one said something that hurt that one's feelings and we are drawn into the he said/she said/they said controversy; whether on the net or in your neighborhood, or even within your marriage. Feelings get bruised and battered. Tears are shed. We feel rejected, are fearful that our "friends" or others are going to believe what the opposing party said, and, thus, the need to defend ourselves to any who will listen. .... A vicious cycle starts and then "true" friends are asked to step up and believe that anyone who DIDN'T listen or take open sides against the offender is an "enemy" or not a "true" (meaning loyal) friend. Where does it stop? How do we end the antagonisms? Is it fair to force a "friend" to take sides in an issue in which they were only able to "hear" one side?......Is it fair to ask that "friend" to read an article and instantly take a "side"?
When Karl approached me about an editorial, I had mixed emotions. Do I write about things that I believe we all face on a daily basis, or shall I write out some little meaningless paper full of platitudes? Those who know me will be nodding and chuckling at that thought because I am very strong in what I believe.
At what point in our lives to we become secure enough within ourselves that we are able to speak freely and openly? At what point do we allow whoever wants to spout off or criticize us do so without the need to openly become defensive or feel the need to argue things that are usually a matter of "interpretation"? Am I advocating being a push-over, ABSOLUTELY not. What I am suggesting is that a rapid means of difusing a tense situation is to just maintain silence or, bite your tongue, till the "heat" is gone and the intensity of the hurt has been allowed to pass.
How often with a family member has the "heat" of an argument gone on to the point of causing permanent damage to the relationship, alienating ones siblings, children, parents......and all for WHAT?..... WHAT was accomplished by allowing the he said/she said??..... Only pain and the loss of time to enjoy that person as a significant part of your life.
How often do you hear of couples calling it quits because in moments of anger one or the other crossed a line with their anger (NOT referencing constantly abusive situations here - ONLY anger). Later, to put a nice label on it, the injured party begins to refer to the "reason" for the breakup as "verbal abuse". But that is socially acceptable, so their justification for the break-up is "permitted".
At some point in time, we as individuals need to come to a point where our behaviors are ruled not so much by immediate emotional response, but by our own inner strength. Sort of a modern day "turn the other cheek". The true meaning of that was to teach us not to respond based only on emotion, but to give hostilities or affronts a cooling off period. There are proverbs, Biblical references, "self-help" books that ALL emphasize the importance of being slow to anger, and how internally destructive anger really is.
What technique works to teach us to slow down on our emotional response to charged issues and situations? A very simple one is "count to ten" before you respond to the issue or statement that could be considered inflamed or in anger.... It rather follows the "Think before you speak" philosophy. This is a practical technique, but doesn't get all the way to the root of the problem.
I submit that ultimately, the answer to this is learning to like yourself.
The abililty to dig down deep and be secure enough in who you are that the opinion of the person who is being affrontive is doing it deliberately.
The ability to pull from deep inside and know that if you answer back, you are only lowering yourself to their level of insecurity.
The ability to be a friend and NOT pull anyone else into the confrontation, no matter how far it escalates.
The ability to forgive yourself if you aren't perfect and may slip occasionally.
The ability to be ready to forgive the other party in the disagreement, and let go of anger when the time comes....... ahhhhh, but that is another article.
More than anything, it is my strong belief that deep down inside we all need and long for the same things. Understanding that will go a long way in learning to like ourselves.
~Tink Boncler~ tinkerbe11jb@hotmail.com Dec. 3, 2000