Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there.
- Inscription on an ancient mantelpiece in Hind's Head Hotel, Bray, England
 
I am a poet and writer of prose. To have ever imagined myself making an attempt at writing anything more than a verse of sorts was inconceivable. To make a long story short, from a belief in Shan and this Haven comes this writing. I would have written from a professional perspective and shared some insight, however in light of my own recent pain in discovery and my fear of doing forgiveness I decided to tackle this writing from a personal view.
My grandma used to say "nothing to fear, but fear itself". This from a woman who had buried a child, been a suffragette, outlived 3 husbands, and raised 2 surviving children pretty much on her own. I would say she learned this lesson the hard way, for if my grandma still lived she'd be well over one hundred years old. Have I been afraid? Absolutely. I remember a time when I was afraid of everything. I have no idea, even to today, how I came to be afraid of nothing.
One day it just happened. The news of my son's death devastated me and instilled the fear that it was true. If you cannot trust that your child will outlive you, what can you trust ever again? The fear of everything, literally, was back in split seconds. Maybe all the sayings that we hear like 'you don't get handed any more than you can deal with in one day' or 'what does not destroy you makes you stronger' are true. Can I validate these? I am still here to wonder. I wonder if I can ever find that place of no fear again. I thought I might have recently, however, I was mistaken. I have been badly hurt by my own misplaced trust. I find myself fighting very hard to reach my place of forgiveness and in turn enable the forgiveness of others. In one scenario it is simply about letting go enough to let go. In another scenario I said "I forgive you, but if you ever...” Was I speaking from a place of true forgiveness and unconditional love, or do I give my head a shake and say helllooo, what kind of forgiveness is accompanied by threat. Ahhhh my friend fear speaking for me. What am I afraid of then? It isn't like I have anything left to lose. Go figure, for I am trying to. I often wonder what it is that separates those that fear from those that don't. Some would say stupidity. Some would say luck. Some would even hazard a guess at faith. Each person you would ask would have a different answer. Each person you would ask would have a different answer as to what their fears are and the reasons for them. Each person you would ask would have a different answer as to how to overcome fear, theirs and/or anyone else´s. I wonder too about what keeps us stuck in our fear, sometimes even more than I wonder about cause.  
I asked a dear friend to write a little on fear that I could share with you, for of anyone I know she is most afraid, and with good reason...
 
* I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't afraid. It seems to be a part of who I am. If I ever woke up one day and felt totally relaxed, I would not recognize myself. Growing up, I remember that there was always potential danger. One always had to be on guard. My father was an alcoholic, and a volcano waiting to erupt. Since my mother, sister, and I never knew what would make him explode, we tried to make ourselves as invisible as possible.
It never seemed to work. But still we all tried to keep ourselves safe. We learned to speak to one another in whispers. We learned to move without making a sound. I used to sleep with 3 or 4 layers of clothing on, because if my father came to my room at night drunk, he might be too drunk to get all the clothes off before he passed out. When I couldn't keep myself safe in "rational" ways, I started to come up with "magical" ways. I developed all sorts of strange rituals which I convinced myself would protect me. If I turned the light switch on and off seven times before going to bed, my father would stay away. If I said "magic words" to my stuffed animals that I slept with, they would be able to protect me. If I walked the perimeter of my room and trailed my fingers along the walls, I was creating a force field that no one could pass without my permission. Of course none of these things ever worked, but I believed if I did them enough, they would. I believed I was doing something to help my little sister and myself. Anything was better than feeling helpless.
At 15 I went from living with my family to an abusive relationship. It was a transition that made sense given where I was at the time. I was used to living with someone who was a constant threat to me. He was a police officer, and what he did was expand my fear to the outside world. To control me, he told me that all of the officers on the force were watching me. If I "misbehaved" (spoke to anyone, looked at anyone, tried to leave him) they would see me and report it back to him. So now nowhere was safe. I lived in a constant state of hyper arousal. I sat against walls so no one could sneak up on me. I was so paranoid I imagine some people thought I was psychotic. I lived under those conditions for 12 years.
I now live over 1000 miles away from danger, and am facing my biggest challenge. How do I stop being afraid? How do I walk down the street without constantly looking behind me? How do I sit in the center of a room instead of against a wall? How do I stop flinching when someone moves toward me too quickly? How do I trust people that are worthy of trust? In my mind, I link fear with survival. If you don't feel fear, you won't attempt to get away from dangers. So fear can be healthy and can save your life. But like everything good, fear can hurt you if you have too much of it.
You might become phobic of something; you might be stuck in your house afraid to go outside, or afraid to talk to people. It can get in the way of a healthy life. I am working toward not letting fear run my life anymore. I don't want to just survive. I want to LIVE. * - written by Neeny
 
I was reading Dr. Phil McGraw's book "Life Strategies" and choose, in closing, to leave this piece of much I learned with you. Thank you Dr. Phil. Yes, I am paying attention too...
 
The ten most significant common characteristics in human functioning he has identified are:
-The number one fear among all people is rejection.
-The number one need among all people is acceptance.
-To manage people effectively, you must do it in a way that protects or enhances their self-esteem.
-Everybody, and I mean everybody, approaches every situation with at least some concern about "what's in it for me?"
-Everybody, and I mean everybody, prefers to talk about things that are important to them personally.
-People hear and incorporate only what they understand.
-People like, trust, and believe those who like them.
-People often do things for other than the apparent reasons.
-Even people of quality can be, and often are, petty and small.
-Everybody, and I mean everybody, wears a social mask. You must look beyond the mask to see the person.
 
The dictionary definition of fear is fairly broad: a feeling of alarm or disquiet caused by awareness or expectation of danger, a state of dread, concern, to be afraid of, to be apprehensive, to suspect i.e. I fear you are wrong. I reread this and think hmmmm...
 
How can we identify fear? We need only to glance at our own reflection in any mirror that we pass by...how we overcome it can be as quick as winking at that reflection you see.
 
Morrigan O. Wilde
© September, 2001
 
 EMail: Morrigan1000@yahoo.com