Guts or Glory?
It becomes difficult at times to come up with an interesting topic for a weekly editorial. Most times, I use a personal issue that is fresh in my mind, or a topic that pertains in some way to the forum discussion. This week I am either in a ‘dry’ mode, or my brain is frozen from the weather. So, I regress to a recent discussion in a chat room.
I didn’t chose to end my marriage, but rather the decision was made for me, and I had to learn to deal with it. It wasn’t any easy process. Despite realizing it was ‘over’, and trying to end it quickly, fairly, and with everyone’s best interests considered, lawyers became involved, and greed took over. That was over two years ago, and hopefully next month the separation will be final, and the divorce paperwork just a few dollars and weeks away.
I don’t ever intend to push a person towards a separation or divorce. My theory is to exhaust all possible avenues to reconcile. If it was once everything you wanted it to be, why can it not be that again? I do understand that circumstances are different, and each case has its own merits, however. The decision is always YOURS, and you are welcome to the input of friends, professionals, etc., but only YOU can truly know what is best.
The recent discussion I became a part of, centered around one major concern; An unhappy lady, in an unhealthy relationship. I certainly do not know all the details, but the underlying tone was, “I can’t stay here. It isn’t healthy for me, or my kids. But I don’t have the guts or the money to leave.”
Sadly, there are women’s magazines out there that will give you the step by step on how to get the money out of your relationship to plan your break. I will not go into those details, they are a little too close to home for me, and still a very uncomfortable issue. Yes, ‘fighting’ for a divorce can be costly. I guess my point would be, are you fighting for the right issues? IF you answer yes, then can you really put a monetary cost on the process? Is it an issue of safety? Yours or your children’s? Is it an issue of happiness? What exactly are the issues at play, and what are the options to correcting them?
I am a strong believer in mediation. Why add the stress and aggravation, the hurt, the mud slinging, the ruthless greed of the legal system to an already unfortunate and unhappy situation? An independent, impartial third party source, often someone trained in family or marital relationships, is a great source to utilize, and hopefully, much more economical, too.
Does it take guts? Maybe… maybe not. I believe it takes a strong understanding of self, an understanding of we, and a completely honest discussion of past, present, and future. It takes two to keep a partnership, relationship together. If either party is adamant that there is no hope, then a breakdown has already occurred. In most cases, it is already too late to rectify. The communication, trust, love and commitment have suffered along the way, and somehow has been allowed to continue, to the point of no return. It is a sad day when that realization happens. Often, guilt takes over. If only my sig had made me aware, if only I had done.. if only, if only… Hindsight is 20/20. But the past is history.
I remember once being pulled into a heated discussion with my ex. I refused to participate; it wasn’t the time or the place, with children present. I was told “that’s your problem, you don’t know how to fight”. Why the hell should I be fighting? Sadly, I agreed with a later comment on the situation, whereby I was told that her lawyer probably told her to entice me into hitting her. That way they could force me out of the house, and make her case so much easier. I am so glad my cooler head prevailed. Domestic violence, physical, verbal, or mental, has no useful place in this world.
I have an online acquaintance, who described the ‘breaking point’ as, “when the knife went past my head and stuck in the door, I knew it was time to leave”. WRONG. It was far beyond time to leave! Now when I hear the “I don’t have the guts to leave” scenario, I immediately think of the physical abuse, violence, and in some cases, even the deaths that have occurred because someone was too scared to leave. Not the kind of guts I want to envision. It is a shame that someone can take over another person’s mind, removing all sensibility, all self preservation instincts, all self conscious decision making powers. I’ve never been in that situation, but I find it hard to believe that the signs weren’t there. If YOU didn’t see them, I am sure someone close to you did. But why do people not act upon those signs?
Initially, I had a very difficult time dealing with the marriage break up. I thought this was an ‘until death do us part’ deal. And a part of me felt like it had died. Over time, that empty feeling is disappearing. Yes, I still hold memories. Mostly good ones. But yes, some bad ones, too. Baggage, we call it. It becomes hard to trust, the fear of hurt or rejection can affect our decisions. But so many people today are in that same position, it should be easier to find a possible partner, friend, lover, that can be understanding and sympathetic to my thoughts, and caring enough to help me through them. I still have hope.
Once the “reality” had taken over, it was time to deal with the true issues. For me, it was my sons, and their well being. Good bye house, good bye business, good bye credit. All monetary things that eventually will get replaced. The good bye mutual friends was a bit more difficult. But the only fight worth fighting was for the kids’ well-being. We have finally settled the major portion of that, and I have cemented my generous and liberal access to equate to nearly 50% of their time. Time we all enjoy. And you know, I think she likes the break, too.
So, what is holding us up? Money, of course. I don’t have any, she wants lots. But slowly, the understanding is becoming clearer, and we are almost at a deal point there, as well. The future does look bright. Keep the hope alive, trudge on, honestly, and eventually it all works out for the right reasons.
Our kids are well dressed, well fed, well entertained, at both houses. We share responsibilities for medical appointments, school appointments, activities, etc. We share holidays and vacations. One day, this just might become a civil relationship.
It is extremely difficult to make the right decision for the children of a divorce. We use our own definition of what is best for them, and seldom do we agree with our spouse, and even more seldom do we agree with our spouse’s lawyer or the courts. I believe a major part of this is our self preservation instinct. We don’t want to admit that we can’t be the all or nothing for our children. We don’t want to have people think we abandoned them. We are afraid of everyone else’s opinion. We feel guilty. But get to the bottom line, as long as we are doing everything possible for the well being of those children, can anyone fault us? And it doesn’t matter who has “custody”.
Working for minimum wage, relying on social assistance programs while we get a better education or find another job, teaches the children to be thrifty. It teaches them what the true value of money is. It teaches them what love really is. Agreed, it isn’t easy, and it isn’t sometimes very fair, but it is life.
Starting over offers many challenges. But don’t call them challenges, call them adventures, experiences, or lessons to be learned. Perspective is everything. If you look at everything in a negative light, you will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. Smile every time you manage that extra little birthday gift, that special dessert this week, that little treat that gets you an “I love you” from your kids, a smiling face, or a hug. Treasure the little things. But take care of the big ones, first. The roof over their heads, the food on their table, the clothes on their back, the love you share.
Where there is a will, there is a way. I have no idea who coined that phrase, but it is so true. Look around you at all the single parents, both male and female. Look beyond the house, the car, the bank account. Look for the happiness. Look for the love. If they can do it, why can’t you?
Guts be damned. It’s all about glory. YOU can do the right thing. YOU can succeed. Take pride in the fact that you are doing everything humanly possible for the most precious of reasons. Be proud that you are doing what is right for YOU and your children, regardless of social acceptability. Choose your battles wisely, and fight like no tomorrow, for what is best.
Jeff Davis
February, 2001