We've all been "hurt" or "injured" by others -- by their actions, behaviors, an unkind word. The words, "I'm sorry", have been said by the offending party, but did forgiveness
actually occur?

        What does forgiveness involve?

        We are taught from early on to "forgive and forget".... but DO WE????

        I'm sure that each of us has heard (or even said), "So & So apologized to me but they didn't really mean it." ... or, how about this one?.... "I've accepted So & So's apology so many times and they just come back and hurt me again." Sound familiar?

        Let's suppose we step back and look at the deeper meaning and our own motivation here. How about looking inside ourselves instead of holding court on the motives or meaning behind what someone else does or feels? I submit that instead of looking outside of ourselves that we look at it from INSIDE of ourselves. If we, for just a moment stop, and NOT focus only upon our own psyche instead of that of those around us, what does "forgiveness" come to mean??

        There are a lot of ways to look at this, but most of those that we think of and consider do NOT come from within, but from without. We focus on what our own opinion of or impression of what has occurred to form our understanding.

        Suppose, for one simple moment, that we do NOT attempt to interpret the meaning of an apology from someone but except it for face value. They summoned up the courage to say it, we accept it, that's it. That's not always easy, is it? We still have our bruised feelings or our own "windmills" to fight. Put that aside for a moment and let's pursue this a bit further. (can hear defenses coming up all over the place - but, hear me out and we can argue them later)

        By what right do we examine another's motivation for anything, much less an apology? How many of us have done things we regret, only to find ourselves lost in trying to find the words to properly convey our regret for causing someone else harm or hurt???

        Each time we, as individuals, feel pain or hurt, are we able to see that a sensitive or caring person on the other end of the equation is hurting or in pain as well? We don't look at them as such most of the time because that makes the task more difficult. It's far easier in our own defense to see them as callous or uncaring. ...... But if you stop and think....... place yourself in their situation, is that really the case?

        So we come back again to acceptance or rejection of an apology. We're quick (or not so quick) to say, "you are forgiven", but then what? There are still bruised/battered feelings we have to contend with....... tears and agonies, we've all been there. OK, time to wake up an smell the roses. In my opinion, you don't forgive unless you let the past GO. Pity parties are NOT acceptable. Once you say," I accept your apology", the infraction is completely erased from the chalkboard or slate and no longer exists. If you don't clear the slate, forgiveness hasn't occurred and you didn't "accept" the apology.

        My opinions are mere opinions. These things have weighed heavy on my heart for a time within my own life. I have faced them in in REAL and online relationships. We MUST learn to look at forgiveness as being that letting go of the pain from within, NOT so much as to what is going to happen because of that relationship, but because of what growth it is going to stimulate within ourselves. Even that is intense for me, and believe me, if I haven't had to deal with this, I wouldn't be able to have thought this through to this point.

~Tink~
Tink Boncler
http://www.geocities.com/tinkerbe11jb
email @ tinkerbe11jb@hotmail.com
December 17, 2000