Control or Commitment?
 
We all know there are several types of commitments. For now I am going to offer some 
of my thoughts on the commitment between couples in love relationships.
What exactly does commitment mean to you?
I feel when you 'commit' to another in a loving relationship, you should be prepared to 
put your partner 'before' all others. Always to care about all aspects of their well being. 
Which would include their physical, mental and spiritual health.
Allowing them the space and freedom to 'be themselves'.
How often do men and women think that once 'vows' are exchanged and the 
'commitment' has been put in writing, feel they can 'control' their partners?
After all … you 'own' them now don't you?
Several times I have heard a newlywed male say something to the effect, "Well now she 
is mine, and I can do as I please… Because their ain't much she can do about it with my 
ring on her finger".
Yes, as ludicrous as this sounds, It is Fact! There are men that think this way! I suppose 
this does not necessarily have to be gender related, I just don't recall ever hearing a 
woman say anything like this.
Do you think perhaps 'commitment' is often confused with control?
Normally when I am asked If I have a boyfriend, My response is "No, I am not 
committed to anyone and do not feel ready to do so at this time". When in fact I could 
very well say "No, and I am not prepared to have my life 'controlled' by another.
Would you agree there is great truth in this way of thinking? After all how many 
marriages that were supposedly based on love and respect never last? How often have 
you witnessed one partner become the 'controller' in the relationship?
Very often the controlling partner is so gifted at manipulation, that their partner (or 
victim) fails to recognize it is happening until it is too late. The victim believes that some 
of their partner's actions are due to that persons 'caring and commitment'.
I recall in my own long-term marriage doing just that. My husband's 'little requests' 
seemed so innocent and endearing at the time (believing his little jealousies were a sign 
of his 'love' toward me) UGHHHHHHH.!! I was terribly blind to his manipulations. His 
'innocent' requests ranged from asking me to give up a great job/career, and giving up 
certain friends at first, and near the end of the marriage, All of my friends. He did not like 
me being 'close' to anyone including my family members.
I also failed to see that with each incident of giving in or giving up something I was 
giving up a part of 'myself' too. As years went by my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 
I was once a very strong young lady with many aspirations. ( I am pleased to be able to 
say that I am that person once again, Only not quite so young ? ). How sad it took me so 
long to recognize what had happened to me, as it only got worse with time. I had begun 
to 'give in' on almost everything just to keep 'peace' in the family. I did not like myself 
much anymore knowing that I was allowing myself to be 'controlled'. Yes, it was that 
bad, I had 'lost' my friends, felt alienated from my family, had no goals, given up my 
dream in something I had worked at for more years than I care to mention. I was 
becoming a 'vegetable' at the 'hand' of the person that was suppose to Love me and 
Cherish me. I hesitate to go into detail how he managed all this, because it would take 
pages to explain.
Looking back, I try to put together any visible 'signs' I should have been aware of before 
making a commitment to this man. Truthfully I cannot think of any, because before we 
'committed in marriage' He was most agreeable and supportive and loving toward me.
So what does one do when all that changes with the exchange of vows?
First thing I suggest is to 'Be Aware' . Ask yourself these questions… "Am I giving in 
more often than I used to? Am I giving up important things such as friends, social events, 
family members, a career, or goals JUST TO PLEASE MY PARTNER? When the 
controlling becomes 'overbearing' ask yourself this 'Am I 'giving in' Just to keep peace?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, I suggest you or both you and your 
partner seek professional intervention. It is so important to both, For You before you lose 
yourself entirely, and for your partner because there is normally an underlying cause for 
this behavior. Such as insecurity, self-hatred, and a very low self-esteem. It is necessary 
for the controller to recognize these traits about him/herself and deal with them. Until 
He/She does so, they will never be able to be happy with themselves or rid themselves of 
the need to drain you of your qualities.
So, having said all this, what do you think? What does commitment mean to you?
Is it Control or Commitment?
Shan
Copyright April 30, 2002